Love and Relationship

Relationship Help

Advice for Building Relationships that are Healthy, Happy and Satisfying

A strong, healthy relationship can be one of the best supports in your life. Good relationships improve all aspects of your life, strengthening your health, your mind, and your connections with others. However, if the relationship isn't working, it can also be a tremendous drain. Relationships are an investment. The more you put in, the more you can get back. These tips can help keep a healthy relationship strong, or repair trust and love in a relationship on the rocks.

How to strengthen your loving relationship

Everyone’s relationship is unique, and people come together for many different reasons. But there are some things that good relationships have in common. Knowing the basic principles of healthy relationships helps keep them meaningful, fulfilling and exciting in both happy times and sad:
What makes a healthy love relationship?

• Staying involved with each other. Some relationships get stuck in peaceful coexistence, but without truly relating to each other and working together. While it may seem stable on the surface, lack of involvement and communication increases distance. When you need to talk about something important, the connection and understanding may no longer be there.
• Getting through conflict. Some couples talk things out quietly, while others may raise their voices and passionately disagree. The key in a strong relationship, though, is not to be fearful of conflict. You need to be safe to express things that bother you without fear of retaliation, and be able to resolve conflict without humiliation, degradation or insisting on being right.
• Keeping outside relationships and interests alive. No one person can meet all of our needs, and expecting too much from someone can put a lot of unhealthy pressure on a relationship. Having friends and outside interests not only strengthens your social network, but brings new insights and stimulation to the relationship, too.
• Communicating. Honest, direct communication is a key part of any relationship. When both people feel comfortable expressing their needs, fears, and desires, trust and bonds are strengthened. Nonverbal cues—body language like eye contact, leaning forward or away, or touching someone’s arm—are critical to communication.

Relationship advice tip 1: Keep physical intimacy alive

Touch is a fundamental part of human existence. Studies on infants have shown the importance of regular, loving touch and holding on brain development. These benefits do not end in childhood. Life without physical contact with others is a lonely life indeed.
Studies have shown that affectionate touch actually boosts the body’s levels of oxytocin, a hormone that influences bonding and attachment. In a committed relationship between two adult partners, physical intercourse is often a cornerstone of the relationship. However, intercourse should not be the only method of physical intimacy in a relationship. Regular, affectionate touch—holding hands, hugging, or kissing—is equally important.
Be sensitive to what your partner likes. While touch is a key part of a healthy relationship, it’s important to take some time to find out what your partner really likes. Unwanted touching or inappropriate overtures can make the other person tense up and retreat—exactly what you don’t want.

Relationship advice tip 2: Spend quality time together

You probably have fond memories of when you were first dating your loved one. Everything may have seemed new and exciting, and you may have spent hours just chatting together or coming up with new, exciting things to try. However, as time goes by, children, demanding jobs, long commutes, different hobbies and other obligations can make it hard to find time together. It’s critical for your relationship, though, to make time for yourselves. If you don’t have quality time, communication and understanding start to erode

Relationship advice tip 3: Never stop communicating

Good communication is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship. When people stop communicating well, they stop relating well, and times of change or stress can really bring out disconnect. As long as you are communicating, you can work through whatever problem you’re facing.

Learn your partner’s emotional cues

Each of us is a little different in how we best receive information. Some people might respond better to sight, sound, or touch. Your partner’s responses may be different from yours. Take some time to learn your partner’s cues, and be sure to communicate your own as well. For example, one person might find a brief massage after a stressful day a loving mode of communication—while another might just want to talk over a hot cup of tea.
So much of our communication is transmitted by what we don’t say. Nonverbal cues—such as eye contact, leaning forward or away, or touching someone’s arm—communicate much more than words. For a relationship to work well, each person has to be receptive to sending and receiving nonverbal cues. Learning to understand this “body language” can help you better understand what your partner is trying to say. Think about what you are transmitting as well, and if what you say matches what you feel. If you say “I’m fine,” but you clench your teeth and look away, then your body is clearly signaling you are not.

Question your assumptions

If you’ve known each other for a while, you may assume that your partner has a pretty good idea of what you are thinking and what you need. However, your partner is not a mind reader. While your partner may have some idea, it is much healthier to directly express your needs to avoid any confusion. Your partner may sense something, but it might not be what you need. What’s more, people change, and what you needed and wanted five years ago, for example, may be very different now. Getting in the habit of expressing your needs helps you weather difficult times, which otherwise may lead to increasing resentment, misunderstanding, and anger.

Use your senses to keep stress in check

If you’re not calm and focused, you won’t be able to communicate effectively. The best way to reduce stress quickly and reliably is through the senses. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.

Relationship advice tip 4: Healthy relationships are built on give and take

If you expect to get what you want 100% of a time in a relationship, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Healthy relationships are built on compromise, and it takes work on each person’s part to make sure that there is a reasonable exchange.

Recognize what’s important to your partner

Knowing what is truly important to your partner can go a long way towards building goodwill and an atmosphere of compromise. On the flip side, it’s also important for your partner to recognize your wants and for you to state them clearly. Constantly compromising your needs for others' will build resentment and anger.

Don’t make “winning” your goal

If you approach your partner with the attitude that things have to be your way or else, it will be difficult to reach a compromise. Sometimes this attitude comes from not having your needs met while you were younger, or it could be from years of accumulated resentment building up in your current relationship. It’s all right to have strong convictions about something, but your partner deserves to be heard as well. You are more likely to get your needs met if you respect what your partner needs, and compromise when you can.

Learn how to respectfully resolve conflict

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but to keep a relationship strong, both people need to feel they’ve been heard. The goal is not to win but to resolve the conflict with respect and love.

• Make sure you are fighting fair.
• Don’t attack someone directly; use “I” statements to communicate how you feel.
• Don’t drag old arguments into the mix.
• Keep the focus on the issue at hand, and respect the other person.

Relationship advice tip 5: Expect ups and downs

It’s also important to recognize that there are ups and downs in every relationship. You won’t always be on the same page. Sometimes one partner may be struggling with an issue that stresses them, such as the death of a close family member. Other events, like job loss or severe health problems, can affect both partners and make it difficult to relate to each other. You might have different ideas of managing finances or raising children. Different people cope with stress differently, and misunderstanding can rapidly turn to frustration and anger.

Relationship advice for getting through life’s ups and downs

• Don’t take out your problems on your partner. Life stresses can make us short tempered. If you are coping with a lot of stress, it might seem easier to snap at your partner. Fighting like this might initially feel like a release, but it slowly poisons your relationship. Find other ways to vent your anger and frustration.
• Some problems are bigger than both of you. Trying to force a solution can cause even more problems. Every person works through problems and issues in his or her own way. Remember that you’re a team. Continuing to move forward together can get you through the rough spots.
• Be open to change. Change is inevitable in life, and it will happen whether you go with it or fight it. Flexibility is essential to adapt to the change that is always taking place in any relationship, and it allows you to grow together through both the good times and the bad.
• Don’t ignore problems. Whatever problems arise in a romantic relationship, it’s important to face them together as a couple. If an aspect of the relationship stops working, don’t simply ignore it, but instead address it with your partner. Things change, so respond to them together as they do.

If you need more relationship help and advice

Sometimes problems in a relationship may seem too complex or overwhelming for a couple to handle on their own. In that case, it’s important to reach out together for help. There are a number of options available, including:

• Couples counseling. It’s a big investment, and time, energy, focus and commitment are needed from both people to make a difference, but you might consider couples or marriage counseling to resolve your differences. Both parties need to be willing and able to honestly communicate what he or she needs, face the issues that arise in counseling, and then make the necessary changes. It’s important also that both people feel comfortable with the counselor.
• Spiritual advice. Some couples benefit from spiritual advice from a religious figure such as a pastor or rabbi. This tends to work best if both persons have similar convictions of faith and have a good relationship with the spiritual advisor.
• Emotional Intelligence building. Try using Helpguide's Emotional Intelligence Toolkit , a free utility for building emotional health and emotional intelligence. This in-depth course provides articles, videos, and audio meditations designed to help you put the skills of emotional intelligence and communication into practice.
• Individual therapy. Sometimes one person may need specialized help. For example, someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one may need counseling to help him or her process the grief. If your loved one needs help, don’t feel like you are a failure for not providing him or her everything he or she needs. No one can fulfill everyone’s needs, and getting the right help can make a tremendous difference in your relationship.

 

 Marriage Research: Study Reveals Surprising Findings About Closeness In Relationships

 

 

Think a happy relationship is defined by a high level of emotional closeness between two partners? Think again.
After surveying 732 men and women over two years, researchers at Columbia University discovered that the happiest couples were not necessarily those who reported feeling very close to each other. Rather, those whose "actual" level of closeness was similar to their "ideal" level of closeness were the most satisfied with their relationships, no matter how close they actually were.
The participants were asked questions about their current and ideal relationship closeness, relationship satisfaction, commitment, break-up thoughts and symptoms of depression. Fifty-seven percent of the participants reported feeling too much distance between themselves and their partner; 37 percent were content with the level of closeness in their relationships, and five percent reported feeling too close.
But regardless of how emotionally close participants said they were with their partners, poorer relationship quality and symptoms of depression were correlated with a higher "closeness discrepancy" -- that is, the difference between what they were actually experiencing and what they wanted to experience.
Participants who, over the two-year study period, experienced a greater alignment in actual and ideal closeness also experienced greater relationship satisfaction and mental health quality.
“It’s best not to make too many assumptions about what constitutes a healthy relationship,” said study author Dr. David Frost in a press release. “Rather, we need to hear from people about how close they are in their relationships and how that compares to how close they’d ideally like to be.”
Couples who enjoy closeness will be glad to know that previous research has shown the importance of cuddling, talking and sex in relationships.

 

The Importance Of Wedding Anniversary Celebrations

Nearly 23 years ago, I eloped with the man of my dreams, tying the knot wearing jeans and a black turtleneck in a tiny attorney's office in Antigua, Guatemala. During our first 10 years of marriage, we never failed to celebrate our anniversary in a splashy manner -- befitting of a young couple very much in love. I remember once my husband gave me a package of six ballroom dance lessons -- a staggeringly romantic gesture from a man who, once released from the awkward rituals of dating, seemed determined never to set foot near a dance floor again.

But, after a lovely 10th anniversary party, the reality of three children and two full-time jobs and home renovation and extended family issues started to encroach on our couple time and I began to believe that simply being able to count on this man was worth its weight in anniversary chocolates any day of the week.
As our marriage matured, I assumed we'd always be together and that people who have to celebrate occasions like anniversaries and Valentine's Day are really pretty pathetic. Shouldn't couples be kind to each other every day of the year? Well, of course they should -- in theory. But now I think I was wrong.
Over a few glasses of wine, I've told girlfriends that, somewhere along the way, the passionate kiss I used to plant on my husband's lips when he walked in the door from work morphed into a peck on the check that eventually morphed into -- on some days -- an inability to even look up from my email inbox. As I've watched several of my friends' marriages end in divorce, I know for certain how potent a force -- and how dangerous -- complacency can be in a relationship.
And so these days I believe celebrating one's anniversary must never be overlooked, as it reinforces the fact that your marriage is a priority. An anniversary celebration also allows you to pull back from your daily grind and relive a moment that changed your life forever. My mother always used to say that anyone can pull out all the stops on their wedding day. But when a couple makes it to 10 or 20 or 60 years of marriage, well, now that's something that really needs celebrating.
We asked our Facebook fans whether they still celebrate their anniversary -- and we were rewarded with an earful.
"Being married a long time is a source of pride in today's world of high divorce rates," said Susan Speetzen. "Of course being married 30+ years call for a bigger celebration than the first few years."
And here are the ways in which our fans celebrate. Have your own ideas? Let us know in comments.
1) "We will be married 45 years in March and we celebrate every year in some fashion. Some years bigger than others but always with our children and grandchildren. This year we are going to have a large family portrait done!" said Chrisenda Smith.
2) "We use it as a 'free pass' for doing something special or purchasing something to spoil ourselves to honor another year properly -- and to add to our memories. Depends on the year but we sometimes get the kids together for a cruise, a trip to Hawaii, or we purchase some item we're both in love with. We do some kind of joyous thing together that celebrates our 'us' and marriage together," said Anna Gregerson.
3) "We do dinner, movie, share memories and sometimes we even watch our wedding video," said Nancy Brovelli Mercurio.
4) "We go to a great restaurant, just the two of us. We make a plan to purchase something that we'll both enjoy," said Denice Loritsch.
5) "It depends on what's going on that day but it's always celebrated, but maybe not with a night out or gifts. One day my husband never forgets and always celebrates in some way is the date we met. Nineteen years later, we always remember that day!" said Terri Tuscano Stokes.
6) "We just celebrated 32 years and why not? We're still deeply in love and look forward to our special day every year. Sometimes we celebrate with a dinner/movie date or a day sightseeing someplace we haven't been. Sometimes we go away for a weekend. We're always looking for new ways to celebrate our long-lasting marriage," said Kate Burt.
7) "We take a cruise," said Rachel Cracken Herbig.
8) "On Dec. 19 it will be 45 wonderful years. We usually go eat at a good Chinese restaurant. My husband is retired with chemical depression and we just enjoy thanking God for what he has done for him. He doesn't like to get out so we will probably eat and get back to our side-by-side recliners. Sometimes we talk to each other without ever saying a word. God gave me the best," said Lois Daniel Skipworth.
9) "We always make a point to celebrate... next month is 31! Marriage is hard work, and celebrating all you do to stay in love and happy is very important. We often plan a vacation around our anniversary but at least dinner and a nice time to be together and talk about us. We don't normally buy gifts, but instead buy a memory," said Laureen Lund.
10) "We always go out to a nice dinner, just the two of us, and talk about the best parts of the last year and what we hope to do and look forward to in the next year," said Rachel Jacobson.

 

 

Marriage And Sex: Is It OK To Tell Your Spouse When You Find Someone Attractive?

When a non-chain opens up in our tiny town in the ’burbs, it’s news. After all, we live in the land of T.G.I. Friday’s and Bonefish Grill and Olive Garden. So when a non-chain craft brewery with cool lighting and sexy low-slung banquettes opened mere minutes from our house, on a sleepy street full of real estate offices and banks, J. and I were delighted. We quickly became regulars, eschewing pints of Bud and burgers for small-batch IPAs and gourmet wood-fired pizzas.
It just so happens that the owner of this too-cool-for-the-suburbs bar is good-looking. Really good-looking. I first noticed it when J. and I met my parents at the bar for drinks one evening. My mom kept awkwardly jerking her head at the owner in this weird way that made it look like she was having a seizure, and mouthing: “For your sister? He’d be cute for Ali, wouldn’t he?” And that’s when I saw him and realized that, yes, he would be cute for Ali, because he is really, really good-looking.

I must have gawked a little because when I tore my eyes from Hot Bar Owner, J. was looking at me, eyebrows raised. “Seriously, babe?” he said. “I mean, could you be any more obvious?”
“What do you want me to say? He’s hot. Right, mom?” But she was lost in thought, no doubt planning the marriage of my sister to Hot Bar Owner in her head. And then, I found myself still speaking, almost stream-of-consciousness: “Like, seriously, he’s cute. And he makes beer.”
My mom leaned in now, keeping one eye on him. “He used to live in Australia,” she said.
Of course he did. “Does he have an accent?” I asked. “Because, if he has an accent, too, that’s just … come on.” We were like a couple of horny teenagers talking about those One Direction boys.
“Thanks, babe,” J. said, looking -- and I couldn’t believe this -- a little bit hurt.
Shit. Were we not at that point yet?
“Don’t worry about it,” my friend told me when I relayed the story to her. “Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you can’t think other people are good-looking. In fact, I think anyone who has a normal, healthy relationship should be able to comment on whether they think members of the opposite sex are attractive. I mean, what are you gonna do, leave him for the random hot guy on the sidewalk? Come on.”
She had a point. J. and I are confident in our marriage, and we’re not jealous people. Or so I thought. Then one weekend, we saw a Victoria’s Secret model in the bedding department of Bloomingdale’s in New York City.
She was impossible to miss -- 10 feet tall, clad in black leggings and a Moncler black jacket, no makeup, and ridiculously, impossibly thin. I noticed her first.
“Babe, I think that’s a model,” I said as I tugged at his coat. “I think that’s that Victoria’s Secret model, Erin Heatherton.”
My husband, who’d been in a zombie-like state mere seconds ago, snapped to life. “I’m on it.” He said this as seriously as if he was a cop radioing in that he was about to embark on a high-speed car chase. I watched from behind a Pratesi display of pillowcases as he paraded back and forth, back and forth, trying to determine if this was in fact Erin Heatherton, Goddess of the Underwear.
“I couldn’t get a good read,” he whispered to me as she walked away. At this point, both of us were crouching behind a full bed set-up. “But I do think it was her. I’ll do some research when we get home. It has to be her. Did you see those legs?”
I stared at him as he walked away, feeling much, much shorter than my 5’3”, and promising myself that I’d up my cardio so that I, too, could be an underwear goddess worthy of stalking in the bedding aisle of the local department store. But I forgot about the whole thing until a few days later, when J. proudly presented me the latest Victoria’s Secret catalogue. He had dog-eared every single page that featured Erin Heatherton. I was starting to hate her.
“It’s all about the freckles, really,” J. explained matter-of-factly as I stared at him. He hadn’t spent this much time on a project since, well, ever. “See, if you look at page 22, it looks like they airbrushed them out, and the girl in the store definitely had freckles. But here, on page 34, she looks like the girl we saw.” He walked me through the rest of the catalogue, and then he threw it down on our coffee table with a flourish.
“We definitely saw Erin Heatherton,” he pronounced. I swear his cheeks were flushed.
And then I felt it -- a pang of something that was a little worse than jealousy, something more like I’ll never be her. I thought back to Hot Bar Owner, a guy who actually existed in our real life, and not just in a catalogue. I started to wonder: If it’s natural to find people other than your spouse attractive, is it ever okay to talk about it? When it comes to sharing everything with your significant other, when should you just shut the hell up?
“I just did it yesterday,” said my friend Emily. “I screamed up the steps to my husband as I was flipping through the channels: ‘RYAN GOSLING IS THE HOTTEST MAN ON THE PLANET.’ That said, with strangers -- like, if I passed a guy in the mall -- I probably wouldn’t mention it. Not for any particular reason, though. I guess I wouldn’t want my husband pointing out hot girls to me. I would hate that.”
I felt like a horrible wife. In the interest of full disclosure -- and of not only being partners but best friends who tell each other everything -- had I said too much?
“You can’t tell me that you don’t think other girls are hot,” I said to J. that night, after he told me flatly that he’d boycott the blog if I wrote about Hot Bar Owner.
“Well, I guess, but I wouldn’t say anything,” he said.
So who wins? A point for forthrightness or for tact?
My friend Emily popped by again the next day. “You know what?” she said. “Hot astronomy boy. He was in my astronomy class in college. I used to come back from class and tell Chris all about him. Even now that we’re married, we still laugh about hot astronomy boy.” She grew thoughtful. “I wonder what he’s doing now …”
I guess there’s a fine line between being honest and being hurtful. Maybe I’d crossed it. From now on, I’ll keep things like Hot Bar Owner to myself -- or at least limit my gawking to only-on-TV people. Perhaps I’ll find us a new bar, too.
In the meantime, I’m canceling my Victoria’s Secret catalogue subscription.
Do you and your groom openly discuss innocent attractions or people you think are attractive? Or is this particular topic strictly off-limits?